We’ve all now become very familiar with He’s Just Not That Into You mania. We heard about the book on Oprah, read the book begrudgingly, and maybe even saw the movie. It seems as though it’s only fitting that we give a little equal opportunity advice to our relational counterparts. Rather than a broadbrushed “She Just Can’t Stand You,” let’s propose a “She’s Just Not That Impressed by You” list.

Reasons Why She May Not be Impressed

Bragging. A walking, talking resume has never captured a woman’s heart. Telling her about how much money he makes or about all the expensive things he owns is a major turnoff. It’s one thing to take advantage of a window that would allow a mention of something about himself. It’s another to make his achievements the topic of the conversation. A man who talks about his possessions or his accomplishments comes off insecure and having to prove that he is worth a woman’s time. A guy who can just be himself and talk about what he likes and what he loves is much more attractive. Relationships are not a competition or a test. Honestly, when I hear a man talk so much about how great he wants me to think he is, I find myself wondering what negative characteristic of himself he is trying so hard to cover up. Letting the woman discover all the things about him that she admires so much is much more fulfilling and even romantic.

Not Listening. Relationship is not about just one person. A woman wants to know that the man she’s with cares about what she cares about. She knows when a man has stopped listening: He asks a question she just answered. He interrupts while she’s talking about something meaningful. And, she definitely notices if his eyes wander to check out other women. In my book, that’s enough to end a date early. If she’s not interesting enough to keep his focus, she won’t be interested enough to go out on another date with him.

Not being a gentleman. This area is not as clear as it used to be for men and women. But about 99% of the time a woman loves being treated like a lady as opposed to being treated like a guy! I used to feel like I didn’t want to put guys in an awkward spot in case they weren’t going to open a door for me, so I would automatically reach for the door and then act depending on what he does. If he reaches, I’d step back. If he didn’t, I’d walk through myself. One time, I did that and he not only didn’t reach to get the door but he walked through it himself! That was a first and last date! Opening doors and picking up the tab goes a lot further in impressing a woman than most men and women realize.

Trying too hard. Sometimes guys try too hard to be whatever they think is attractive — trying to be funny or cool or even trying too hard to connect with a woman. I once went out on a date with a guy who had obviously read my bio just before walking out the door. How do I know? He seemed to try so hard to talk about things that he thought I would want to talk about based on my bio. It was as though he had an outline of topics to cover in order to impress me. It was one of the most boring dates I’d ever been on. It’s one thing to communicate a mutual concern, love, or even annoyance; it’s quite another to feel scripted and on an audition.

Talking too much. They say that the average woman uses 25,000 words a day and that the average man needs no more than about 10,000 per day. Few things are less impressive than a man aiming for that 25,000 mark. An old proverb reads, “Too much talk leads to problems. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.” Here are a few real-life examples of pronouncements all men should avoid in the attempt to impress:
- I’m not married because I’m in love with love
- I’m a virile man
- I haven’t yet found a woman good enough for me
- I’m a sexual creature
- Any woman I end up with has to know that I have other priorities besides her (Sadly, I heard that one first hand.)

Too often conventional wisdom treats relationships like a game. But at the end of the day it’s about discovering, growing, and getting better at treating people with love, care, and respect. We just all need a little coaching along the way.

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(Original photo by Dave Wolanski, used under Creative Commons license.)